Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
even my farts smell like vagina
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
