Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
