I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize