We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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