My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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