don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
