It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
