So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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