first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
two words...techno handjob
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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