Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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