it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
