She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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