I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dick very happy bro
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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