Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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