Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
