Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
