I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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