The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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