literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
