I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
