dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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