So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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