when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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