the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
