this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize