I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
