There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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