Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
