I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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