My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
