Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
