you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
