After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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