I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
