We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
