I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
