he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
