I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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