So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize