She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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