My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
