Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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