So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
