the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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