trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
