Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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