Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
