Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
