What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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