it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
