If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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