The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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