I can text with my tongue
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
