my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
