Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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