Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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