Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
